You need those things, and you deserve them. Feeling happy in their presence is fantastic. Wanting to be around them is a good thing.

This is one reason why illicit affairs feel so intoxicating and have the power to destroy a family… and why the very same relationships are so often frustrating and disappointing in the cold light of day.įeeling attracted to your partner is important. As I teach in my online dating coaching class, and wrote about in my breakup recovery book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love,” chemistry is strongest when you feel anxious, insecure, or afraid. New idea: Feeling this way about someone is actually a danger signal. You know that giddy, nervous feeling you have getting into the rollercoaster car before it starts ratcheting itself up for the first big drop? And how, although intellectually you know its okay, your body is reacting like it might be about to die? That's not a bad approximation to the giddy / euphoric / so-nervous-I'm-about-to-throw-up feeling we can have about someone we have intense chemistry for. “Chemistry” is a cocktail of lust and danger that wrings the dopamine out of your neurotransmitters.

But who do you want to try and build a life with? Likewise, a rakish, troubled bad-boy will light you on fire, in a way that the earnest CPA who cares enough to iron his shirt and show up on time won’t. In fact, the exact opposite is often true: The people who are most likely to make you feel “chemistry” - an anxious churning in their presence, sleepless nights thinking of them, and feelings of euphoria when you're around them - are often the ones who are the most emotionally (or literally) dangerous for you to get involved with.įor example: A mercurial, highly sexual, unpredictable woman will make your heart pound in a way that the loving, kind kindergarten teacher with a fondness for Dansco clogs will probably not. And never believe that a ‘chemistry feeling’ is a reliable source of information as to whether someone is going to be a good long-term partner for you.” Never prioritize chemistry over character. So I tell my Jen’s and John’s exactly what I’ll share with you now:

When I'm working as a dating coach, my number one priority is not just getting people dates, but helping them see the big picture - and what a lifetime of love actually involves. I know what it takes to create a happy, healthy long-term relationship. However, in addition to helping people “find the one” as a dating coach, I’m also a marriage counselor. If there is no chemistry, there's no future. In fact I spend a lot of time working with my dating coaching clients to help them up their own “chemistry quotient” in order to be more attractive to the kind of people they want to date. When that’s missing, and their relationship feels easy, reliable, and straightforward… they assume that something must be wrong. They both want to feel the intense, obsessive, “I can’t live without you” craving of early-stage romantic love. I want to see what else is out there.”īoth Jen and John are making the common dating mistake that destroys potentially amazing relationships. He sighs, “I just kind of want more passion. John tells me about the woman he’s been dating for months.Jen tells me about a date, saying, “I was so excited about him– he’s perfect on paper.And I have these types of conversations frequently: Mere decency, values, and character won’t cut it. Because, let's face it, it’s not enough to be partnered with a kind, stable, thoughtful, attractive, interesting, and fun person, is it? No. Afraid something's wrong because you're not “feeling butterflies?” Think again…Ĭhemistry between two people is important, especially when you're dating.

M prompt chemistry